[x]

101334WHISPER
this repetition will keep me alive.

Part I.
Journal

4:38 AM. 10 July, 2002

It comes and goes like the tide.

In the quiet times I hear a soft whispering. Bits of song, and even faint breathing: past tense. I am not afraid.

Otherwise I stay busy, keep my mind occupied. Now and then as I wander through the day, I will find the occasional ray of sunlight. But as often as I remind myself of this, it offers little comfort.

Still a few hours before the sunlight.

The days go on.

My last words to her were frigid and unconcerned. If I would have known they would be my last words, I would have spoken softly. I would have he

107618SWITCH

107618SWITCH
dead man's switch

it's no wonder the alarms were silent,
I was gone for a while.

several years later,
your tv shows still play at the same time
there is still channel 99 a soft blue screen
there is still the phone and razor knife, a
few scraps of paper
I had homework
it's never really time for
music too loud for the people
downstairs, volume three

I would
throw a cd case over my latest
suicide note before I left
again for the night. I'm not one to cry over radio songs
but you left me no choice

it's raining on the interstate and I'll cross the river
because I can't sleep
(and the gulls bank in the air just be

Asa No Hanketsu

Asa No Hanketsu

Four A.M. locomotive whistle whale song
To a world at sleep, solo's over steady meter
Of off-kilter ceiling fan thoughts;
Rotating blades cycled by a switch
On a wall well out of reach.

Sentries flank concave entries keeping watch
For nocturnal communications – rhythmic rituals
Not meant for human ears; he feeds them back
As an undertow current emanating precious hours lost
Fighting gravity with his heart, amazed
The surge for air finds strength enough to stamp
A permanence that begs to see the light of day;
Reborn at every sunrise, stationed at every sunset.

It's that calm hour, loneliest point of axis
Offering

102407ENCHANTED

102407ENCHANTED

I'm silent, love
I'm in the sunbeams
c,lose your eyes, I'm the sky
sleep like the new fallensnow
it's in my hands this, fragile
it's the very thing you
[ loveme ]
it's forever:

certain songs she weaves around me
I'm snowfallen in summer,
her heart like the
sky wind rain

there's this field...
strawberries...
and it's the glow of late summer enchanted
and the world stands still for her, and I'm
pressed to the ground / waiting
stale.
no fortress.

she calls out from far across the lands
she calls from the tower stair
she's radiant like the new fallensnow

presence

so softly, she's alive. please whisper

for

102936BROKEN

102936BROKEN

eleventh hour last transmission

one thousand feet and falling
thirty-three degrees, wind and rain

she never thought i'd be here

ten seconds to the ground
eight pints of blood and morphine,

she wouldn't have wanted this.
she didn't want

five seconds to the ground
three crumbling stones, a foundation

i could have lived forever

© 2002 jesse michael renaud

109764EVER-LASTING

109764EVER-LASTING

in the silent times were found
a sense of pained
understanding of God\'s will,
divine and omnipresent

they knew it could have been
at least a thousand
years since he had left
in search of ever-lasting

she would stand at the window
where she would
often imagine his return
and practice her good-byes

and her eyes betrayed her will
not to cry as
he arrived at her door
one cold November\'s night

\"I mean to leave this world\"
he said with a
servoelectric sigh
and she brought him warm blankets

to which she foun

101881SILPHERDIEST

101881SILPHERDIEST
dead men tell no tales.

.LOG

10:37 PM 9/19/2002
not this time. it's not as if~
several decades could have passed in the interim. oh, the half-life of your smile - the decay inherent in that subatomic grin. the variance of pursuant emotion / the differential, violent. resist. solid state heart, a component system. a fibrous standing of frailties and unconcerned. remorse

1:56 AM 9/20/2002
it's a meld-facet situation, this diverse retrograph. a confident stare. subcircular and whimsical - an extrapolate fear, or not? no reasons yet. no farpoint terminal gestures. it's only as wide as each sky. each new sky.

Airbag

Airbag

His eyes flinched, twitching
Like bats ears.
"Pick up your mother at 7, meet us at the restaurant."

The world seemed an unhappy place,
His placid tears set to fill the Nile in a few short hours,
A half charged cell-phone
Bou
Nc
ing
On the seat like his blonde haired blue eyed thin framed
Perfectly sculpted
(ideal)
daughter.

Darkness and obsession a prelude to a needle,
Exasperation, struggling respiration
And an elongated, low pitched sigh.

The slick roads washing like soap suds,
Dry as desert
But in t

102959SATURNV

102959SATURNV
inevitable closure.

fall from the sky into
you; a pure electron stream
me; stage 3 rockets firing to break the pull/ mother~earth
the ions below are not aware of us,
nor are the stars, our distant kin, invisible

while this alone reinforces us; halfway between the
infinite and recessive as
time
stands
still

caught in the wake of our black hole kiss,
an accretion disk concerned only with the inevitable closure
an event horizon on the verge of

it's cosmic, this surface tension, like wet skin in the rain
if ever I had forgotten the sorrow, it was now, it was here as
we kissed in the starlight%

© 2002 jesse michael

Scatter Brainstorm

Its last call, spread the word up must come down town ship recognize me from that bar code name tag your it and no backsies...

im sorry, my names jesse jackson five star hotel me whats your sign your name on the dotted line of sightseer over there, yeah the one with the tight tube top spin out of control... ok now brace yourself

Can i buy you a beer keg stand up for your rights dont make a wrong and vice versa
vs a vice grip on reality bites the bulletin bored out of my mind field of view

So whats your perfect drug ring on your finger four leg lock the door bell curves on that female man always rings twice... no wait, thats the milky way

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109948HANGATYR109948HANGATYR
sleep in the branches of the world tree.

i want to take down
the stars i placed in the sky
for you
and put them around my
neck

hung from the chains of
all the days i've waited
for this
one

tied with nine cords and
pierced by a spear,
i want the life to seep
from the
cuts in my skin

while i hang like odin
from the dying tree

109947BALEGYR109947 BALEGYR
that sees with ember-eyes.

i look up from here with my mouth in the
sulphur
to watch you
bathe in the decay of a universe,
though you are unhappy;

you are unbound,
and limitless.

i crawl to the precipice
amid the roots of ygdrasil,
coal-eyes streaming
molten stone

as the sound of settling
continents thunders
from below
and i prepare to give the jackals and crows
this empty
shell of a man

109946VIGROND109946VIGROND
hush amidst the ivory ruin.

i peel from the sun and stars,
slip in the hollow of that
sad orbit, wondering
how i have fallen far enough
to be here. i don't belong here

our worlds
have ceased to form, and
are nothing more than
abortions:
tiny hands still clutching
for lack of air
as we are
suspended here, helpless

it is the few seconds
after the sun goes down
on the barren wastes of vigrond
in the ruins of ivory halls
where we tread the embers of
those war-torn lands
and our blood trails stain
the ground as time
stands still

the sulphur seeps
into my cuts and exposed
tissue. you might
lead anot

108802RUINSCAPE108802RUINSCAPE
settling into place.

i watched there
as the stinging acid rains
began to fall,
and i wept quietly

in the shadows of
these ruins,

where we, worlds apart
split the helix
made of superstrings
into smaller pieces;
into something more
suitable

"i miss the heat of re-entry"
i breathed into nowhere
as the spaces increased
between our
heartbeats

and as my face pressed close
to the decaying earth,
we were seen
as nothing more than
a broken helix
in the dying light

109854SPLINTER109854SPLINTER
pieces of me.

i splinter like a
thousand shatterpoint
stars in an
ink-blood sky

and my fractures,
refusing to coalesce
wander on
their separate ways

so i give in;
i paralyze the
impulse to
remain whole

while these sick songs seep
through a hollow,
through the cracks
in the floor

here they'll find me
facedown in the
basement: more
than just a man

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101335WHISPER

by `frail, Apr 3, 2003, 7:23:43 AM
Literature / Prose / Fiction / Philosophy & Perspectives

101335WHISPER
please do not forget me.

Part II.
Journal

4:12 PM. 1 Oct., 2002

Sad are the ghosts that haunt me.

And so pale, always pale.

I've taken my place on the hardwood floor beneath the west window.  Back to the wall.  Face to the east.  I don't think I will eat tonight.  There are ghosts in the hall.

The unseasonably warm weather had lifted my spirits the last few days.  I mowed the lawn.  Took the car to the wash.  I even spent some time with friends the weekend before.  We had a cookout at the lake, drank a few cold ones, swapped jokes.  I remember laughing at a few of them.  It felt good, like water on a parched throat.

But the north wind sort of slipped in overnight, leaving behind little trace of summer.  I woke to a world of frost.  And as usual, the change of seasons tore me in two.

So here I am today, with the clouds.  The kind that curtain the sky just enough to deaden the light.  The clouds and I reciprocate an eternal grey, almost a mirror image, but I envy them for the pervasive sunlight that only they can feel.

If only for a little longer...

12:02 AM. 7 Nov., 2002

Black.

I wake in the dead of night to the eerie sensation of fingers trailing down my legs.  My blood freezes solid.  Again, contact.  My skin tenses in revulsion, and I remove the covers from my bed, searching.  Nothing.  But in the near-silence, I...  I had forgotten to turn on the fan before I slept.  I always need the white noise to block out...

Tonight I can hear the wailing.

It pierces my heart like a knife.  Unable to groan audibly, I shed my tears in silence, weakened by a voiceless sob.  Terrified and anguished, I reach for the lightswitch.  I assume this is another night that will see little rest.

11:20 PM. 11 Nov., 2002

She whispers
"Save me save me save me save me..."

10:01 AM. 2 Feb., 2003

The world changed this morning.  Ice on the sidewalk, clouds in the sky. The snow falls like so many stars.  But it is not a bleak, hopeless snow.  And I smile an honest smile,  less bitter now than sweet.

I've decided not to wait anymore.

"My dear friend, I write this to you with a heavy heart.  I won't stay any longer.  Don't be concerned for me this time.  Where I go, I cannot say, but I think I will not return.  Wish me well, and if we never meet again, please do not forget me.

Godspeed my journey."

© 2003 jesse michael renaud

101335WHISPERby `frail

Literature / Prose / Fiction / Philosophy & Perspectives

fiction.
read part one

~orphan Jun 18, 2004

is this fiction?

~orphan Jun 25, 2004

nonethless, :applause:

~rhetoric-ritual Mar 13, 2004

I can't think enough to write an actual comment. My heart hurts, however corny that may sound.

~ethereality Mar 13, 2004

wow thats awseome
beuatiful wrting style

`Anavah Mar 13, 2004 Professional General Artist

shhhh

~alicewonderland May 24, 2003

i love this, but i wonder, can this really be completely fiction? i mean, sure, the whole thing may not be true, but surely these thoughts came from your feelings. it just is so expressive and depressive that i cant phathom there not being some secret message below the surface. we all feel pretty shitty at times... i love how you keep a glimmer of hope in the passages, esp. "And I smile an honest smile..."

you seem to say exactly what im thinking at times. you bring beauty out of unhappiness. keep writing, youre def. helping a number of people here

~sisterjanet May 5, 2003

I was so tempted to make this and part one my first favorites, but decided against it because it seemed disrespectful if you're no longer wanting to write since that would be the only thing to see on my page when others find me. I wanted you to have the knowledge that I liked these that much.

~runnerup Apr 24, 2003

So...I have you on my devwatch, and I read this and the one before when you submitted them, but I didn't have a chance to comment. So I just read them again and again and again...no words came to mind that could possibly do you justice.

And then, today, I read your 102982TRANQUIL EYE SIR, and you say you're done trying to be a poet and done with your writing and that thought makes me sadder than your words in these two pieces: someone with such talent owes it to yourself to write...and we owe it to ourselves to read it and let your words wash over us and invade us with their meanings...

I'm sorry...forgive my rambling.
I cannot express what your writing makes me feel.
Just please, keep doing it.

~thou-shalt-not Apr 9, 2003

I love you.

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